Bad things come in threes

gas heater

There’s nothing I like more than coming home to a nice toasty warm home after a long day in the winter cold. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it has been freaking cold recently, so having decent heating in Sydney has become somewhat of a necessity.

Yesterday, I was having a bit of a bad day. I know why, as well. I’d done something rather questionable and the universe was sending out negative energy to teach me a lesson for that misstep. Karma operating at its finest. Anywho, when I didn’t have any money on me and so couldn’t use public transport, I decided it was worth the risk to walk home. It isn’t a long walk, and in summer I’m happy to do it both ways, but with dark storm clouds circling overhead, it was a risk that, in hindsight, I shouldn’t have taken. About five minutes into the twenty minute stroll, the heavens opened and it began to absolutely poor. I’d gone too far for it to be worth my while to turn back, so I soldiered on. Needless to say, I got soaked to the bone.

Upon getting to my apartment, I realised I’d forgotten my key, and was forced to climb a wet and slippery fire escape just to make it home. Skillfully cricking open the window, I slithered into my apartment (slithered sounds as if it was quite graceful, but you can imagine what it actually looked like) and stumbled over to the heater (by that time I could the frostbite creeping into my toes) only to discover it wasn’t working. My gas heating I’d installed when I moved to Sydney was freaking broken. On the day I’d been drenched in a stormy downpour and had had to climb a freaking ladder to get up to my place.

Do you believe bad things come in threes, or am I just cursed?

Three mice, three moons, three dice, three swoons. -Joanne

Laying on the leylines

HLorne accommodationi Joanne, I know it’s been a pretty long time since we spoke, but I was wondering if you would be able to answer a reasonably serious question of mine.

About six months ago, I was diagnosed with a small, non-malignant tumour in the frontal lobe of my brain. To tell the truth, I’m not overly surprised by this. The doctor tried to tell me that some of the potential side effects of the tumour are vivid hallucinations and visions that are tactile as well as visual, but I know it’s more than that. People with their close-minded dismissal of the supernatural often try and explain away the gifts of a medium through “science”, but nothing can explain away my mystical gifts.

After talking to several spiritual and mystical experts, I’ve been lead to believe that one of the ways I can reduce the size of the tumour while keeping my abilities is through receiving treatment on a ley-line. The only problem is, I’m not precisely sure where the ley-lines in Australia are. My preliminary research has lead me to believe that there is one running through Lorne, Victoria. Accommodation in Lorne isn’t hard to find, and from what I’ve seen, I would be able to stay in luxury while receiving treatment for this physical manifestation of my gift. However, I’m not sure I’m correct in my assessment of the geography of Australia. It’s been harder than I ever would have imagined to find sources on this issue, and I could be very off about my assessment. Rather than looking for a hotel in Lorne, I should perhaps be accommodation on the rest of the Great Ocean Road, or maybe even further up the coast. In any case, I feel it’s important to find a location of heightened spirituality to undergo my treatment. Do you have any further knowledge of the ley-lines in Australia? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I don’t want to lose my abilities as a medium …

The ley-lines run not along the edges but through the heart and the mind of a place. – Joanne.

The truth about our green waste

rubbish tip brisbaneI have reached a roadblock. Our family business faces a terrible dilemma. As carpenters we produce a lot of wooden waste. Scraps of material that we do not need get placed in a scrap pile. It is my husband’s duty at the end of each week to dispose of this scrap pile. For years now I have trusted that he has done this in a sustainable and green manner. I accompanied him last week to see what he does with it and to my absolute shock we ended up at the Brisbane landfill. As a carpentry business we pride ourselves on sustainability. I promise our customers that our wood is sourced locally and ethically, causing no wildlife habitat destruction. How can I continue to promote this green image now I know that week after week we contribute to the methane producing, non recyclable, space grabbing gigantic rubbish pile. I confronted my husband about this practice and he told me it was the easiest way and I shouldn’t worry about it. Well, I am worried. I did some research and found an amazing place that takes wood and all green waste and recycles it. The best bit is it is cheaper than the regular tip. Brisbane is finally prioritising sustainability over money! The dilemma lies here – do I promote our new green waste practices and highlight that all these years we have been piling onto landfill or do I simply integrate it subtly into our brochure and hope no one notices. I feel a sense of duty to own up to our previous dirty ways but equally I was unaware of them and would have corrected them far sooner had I known. Ignorance is bliss and all of that.

Take the path of greater honour and you will be rewarded. Light will shine on those who are honest and true. What you don’t know can’t hurt you but what you do know is your greatest tool. – Joanne

Reginald Rogers: supernatural tracker extraordinaire

This is Professor Reginald Rogers, supernatural tracker exSecurity packagingtraordinaire, discoverer of the first three mystic wonders of the world, and three time winner of the Psychic Post’s most daring escape. I’ve recently returned from my latest adventure, trekking through the very heart of the Amazon rainforest to uncover secret wonders of the Hidden Palace, but I need your advice about something. When it comes to exploration and adventure, I know all there is to know, but I’m afraid there’s been a slight hitch getting back into the country.

One of the key parts of being a world famous treasure hunter is finding and bringing back treasure for Australian museums. As a very busy man myself, it’s often hard to find the time to swing by the museums and donate my findings, so let couriers do it for me. However, it’s recently come to my attention that sending one of a kind artefacts all over the city in ordinary courier bags is not, perhaps, the best idea. Seeing as many of these artefacts are objects of immense power that certain governments and religious sects have been trying to get their hands on for centuries, my assistant thought it would be wise if we upgraded our security.

This is the reason I’m writing to you. I was wondering, given your expertise in this area, if you know any different types of security packaging that would be up to the task. They have to be reasonably sturdy and able to protect the most delicate 3rd century Mayan carvings. I know it’s been years, Jo, but I’d really appreciate your help in this matter. If you could just direct me to the person the company you use, that would be great. The fate of the known worlds potentially rests in your hands.



A rolling stone has no way of knowing whether the object beneath it is packaged. – Joanne.

The righteous path

RDermal fillers Melbourneecently I’ve been looking at different cosmetic procedures I can potentially undergo, but I really need some spiritual guidance about the whole process. I’ve always been very strict about what I put into my body. When I was a young girl, my mother taught me that what you put in, you get out, and that philosophy has generally done me good all these years. As I grew older, I grew conscious of the terrible strain of meat-eating on our planet and the benefits of veganism, so I’ve followed those paths in life without looking back. But now I’m older and I’m starting to see the effects that living this life have had on my body.

Of course, I don’t struggle with a lot of the issues my friends who have been living a more glutinous life have been faced with. I still work out, I’m in great shape, and I never feel like I’ll need liposuction or any of that sort of treatments, but what I’m really starting to worry about is my skin. I’ve tried several different homeopathic remedies and, as much as I want to, I’m just not seeing results. So I’m thinking it’s time to explore my options and go a bit more left of field than I typically would.

I’ve met with and talked to my doctor about it, and he suggested a couple of interesting options, including getting dermal fillers or a glycolic peel. Melbourne has some of the best medical and dermatology clinics in the world and by having a bit of a look online it turns out that the procedures are relatively non-invasive, but the idea of using chemicals on my skin just seems completely wrong to me. At the same time, though, I feel like I’ve basically run out of options. Maybe getting dermal fillers in Melbourne is a terrible idea, but what other choices do I have? I look in the mirror and hate myself, and I’m just sick of it, but I feel like doing this will change my credibility. How can I advocate living a chemical free life and undergo these treatments at the same time?

Trust in your heart, it will illuminate the righteous path up which you shall ascend. -Joanne

From Farm to Makeovers

makeupMy family are so parochial, they think that Melbourne is mostly just smokestacks and high-rises. I don’t think my parents have ever even BEEN outside their local area, and that’s just this little cluster of towns with loads of fields and the odd little tea shop. They’re nice tea shops, but if you want to live around here, your choices of profession are ‘tea shop owner’ and ‘farmer’. I’m not going to be a farmer. I made that pact when I was eight and ten years later I’m sticking to it.

With our dial-up internet (ugh, I know!) I managed to find a beautician course in Melbourne, and it really stood out to me. In fact, I’ve been looking at all sorts of courses in that genera; field…makeup, beauty surgery, hairdressing, all that. I just love glamming people up, which is bizarre because the parents think I want to be a stable girl. Got nothing against being a stable girl or being on a farm. I’m almost sort of proud of my parents for carrying on their whole lives, owning their own land and generally working so hard to make a living. That’s one thing they’ve really hammered into my brain: work hard, always. I can see the fruits of their labour (sometimes actual fruits, when the lemon and lime trees down the bottom of the creek paddock are in season) and I want to replicate that…but in my own field.

Thing is, I’m not even sure that they want me to take on the farm. Surely Mum and Dad can see that I’m not really the type, and it’s not like I have a big, strong farmer boyfriend to someday become my farmer husband and we’ll run the place together. I want to live in Melbourne, and that’s pretty much settled along with picking something like a diploma in beauty therapy. I’ll just have to see what they say.

The rabbit star is dancing above Venus, which means you’ll soon receive a visit from aliens. Greet them by taking off your left shoe and singing the first, fourth and sixteenth notes from ‘Hey Jude’ – Joanne

Snapper racks for his birthday

Marine fabrication MelbourneMy husband’s birthday is coming up and I have to admit I am well and truly stumped over what to get him. He’s not really a man that enjoys receiving presents, which makes christmas and birthdays a constant challenge, but I know that, if I put my mind to it, I can get him something he really wants. A present he’ll really value. So I’ve been coming up with lists of his hobbies and interests to try and work out what direction to go in and it’s surprisingly difficult. He doesn’t do too much apart from work, but when he does get some leisure time, I know that he loves to go fishing. I also know that he’s been talking about getting a boat for years now. So I thought I might get him something made up for him using a marine stainless steel fabrication company I found.

Even though the kind of fabrication they do is extremely customised, I’m hoping that they can make something generic enough that it will be useful no matter what kind of boat he eventually decides to get. At the same time, I feel kind of terrible getting him something he can’t exactly use now. That’s the whole point of a present, that you can take it and use it, not shelve it until it becomes useful three years down the track.

With all that in mind, I’m leaning towards getting him a set of snapper racks, but I could really use a second opinion from a psychic. Will they be useful for him? Or is this all just a waste and I should really get him a more practical, immediately useful present?

I foresee a future where he will use them and one where he will not. There are many factors which may contribute towards changing his fate. The road ahead is shrouded in mist, my friend. -Joanne.

Photobooth dreams

Photobooth hire MelbourneI’ve seen significant problems reading the deeper meaning behind my dreams and I would like your help, Joanna, to help figure out why. For many years now, I have been reading and interpreting my dreams, seeking to understand the messages from my subconscious that have travelled across the divide, drifting upwards from the deep to enter the surface level of thought. In attempting to recreate the wisdom of old encapsulated in dream-reading, I have had incredible success. I feel that I have come to know myself as few others have, understand what I am essentially trying to tell myself in sleep.

Having this knowledge has been absolutely critical to the way I’ve made my decisions over the last twenty years. My dreams have reflected my own deepest fears and desires, and have made the path I must take clear. Only recently all my dreams have revolved around a series of manic chases involving photobooths. Melbourne, as far as I am aware, doesn’t have any landscape that parallels the one I’ve seen in my dreams, meaning that I have not in fact been to the location of my dreams whilst awake. Nor have I, to my knowledge, attended any events where there was the organiser had taken the liberty of organising photobooth hire, either in Melbourne or any place on this earth. So the photobooth itself does not represent a past event or time in my life, but rather must have a deeper symbolic meaning. The problem with this is that I have no idea what that meaning may be, nor even what greater theme it is likely to pertain to. As a result of this, I have made the choice to ask for your help unravelling this mysterious, recurring presence in my dreams.

Sometimes dreams speak to us as through a friend, sometimes as no more than the sun on our skin or the rustling of the leaves. Embrace their magic. – Joanne.

Marriage, and the Importance of Sheets

accommodationSorry, do I have to pay for this internet business? The hotel says they have free Wi-Fi, but I don’t know if that means you have to pay for the internet…or is it a per-word business? I really don’t know. It doesn’t matter…someone told me this was a place to air the grievances, consult the agony aunt as it were!

My husband has been loving, faithful and loyal throughout our six decades of marriage. We’ve had our cross words, but only when they were absolutely necessary. We’ve settled our grievances and had such good times. And now, there’s a stick in the gears. A grind in the…system. One of those.

We decided for our retirement that we’d move to the sea, and the most obvious place was Lorne. Luxury apartments were something we were quite familiar with, having stayed in them many times over the years, and we wanted something to leave in the inheritance. You know, for the children. So that we did, taking up residency at a hotel we particularly loved. For years, it was all fine. We took quite a few things with us, such as cutlery, furniture and bedsheets. We’d had the same ones since we were married, a lovely set given to us by my great aunt. All covered in marigolds, but is also had foxes and other animals. Very nice, very breathable. Naturally, it didn’t last as long in the hotel. We ordered some coffee one night, and there was an incident. It was ruined, completely. I was devastated. We must’ve looked in every Lorne hotel for sheets that were similar, but they were truly unique. And now we’re in a spiral of sleepless nights and irritability, because this husband of mine just won’t settle for anything!! The design is wrong, or it’s too feminine, or it causes itching…honestly, when you try to compromise!

This Lorne hotel is spoken of by the stars. The foxes and marigolds dance in the heavenly galaxies. Beware of cats bearing gifts, because cats do not usually bear those. – Joanne

Creative air conditioning usages

Air conditioning PerthAs a parent, I’m constantly trying to guide my children towards becoming the most complete version of themselves. That is not only my goal for now, but my goal for the future, that as they grow older and mature, I can help them towards spiritual fulfillment, as my mother helped me. At their age now, where written words are just starting to take on the greater meaning they represent, the most important part of that journey is creating a sense of imagination. In a day and age dominated by screens, where the ideas of others are forcibly rammed into the minds of the young, developing the capacity of a child to think for themselves is absolutely paramount.

Usually, I delight in finding safe, clean ways to achieve this end. Something enjoyable yet relatively risk free. Today, however, it was not the child but the appliance that was unknowingly put in harm’s way. Following an idea sparked by a children’s show, I decided I could create a cave by using the air conditioning unit from Perth to blow up a sheet, erecting a cave-like structure which the children could then play in. I thought this was a wonderful idea, a way to combat the heat and indulge my children in new sensations, but it backfired horribly.

For whatever reason, the action of our particular air conditioner is such that it periodically sucks. After making the cave and observing it had worked, I left and the sucking action soon thereafter commenced. The sheet immediately flew off its weights and into the air conditioner, becoming incredibly entangled. With summer only just having begun, where can I find someone to do air conditioning repairs? Perth city is quite far from our house, so I need someone with a broader scope.

The answers you seek will come to you through your dreams. Listen to your subconscious, it has much to say. – Joanna