Can’t Read the Leaves!

leavesI keep up with my horoscope, read my own palm AND tea leaves, plus I have a degree in crystal ball reading. Still, the future of my finances remains clouded. How can this be? I could use my innate power to communicate with trees, but they don’t often have anything useful to say on the future. They’re more concerned with the present, y’know?

All I’d like to know is if my house offer will go through. What with Melbourne and their property transfer people helping me with the process you’d think it was a given. I’ve been to so many meetings, learned all about vendors statements, and that’s not even counting all the open houses I’ve visited. So many lovely homes, but I could only choose one. The dragon knucklebones I consulted lead me to a lovely little two-bedroom house in the North, complete with patio and gravel driveway. The feng-shui in the place was very much on point, so I thought it was perfect. Transfer that property at once! But it’s a hot property, and they’ve had other offers. I know that’s how the game works, and I’m not the only person in Melbourne looking for a house, but it’s the uncertainty that really gets me. Usually I can just peek in the crystal ball and make contingency plans, but it’s not working right now. I’m not used to NOT knowing, which I’m sure is something you can understand. It’s so nice going through life and being able to just read a person’s aura to see if you’re going to be friends, or seeing if your property transfer is going through simply be channeling reiki into one of my special qi bowls. Why do things have to be so clouded? Maybe it’s just always this way with housing. It’s a dynamic market, things change all the time…and people work as property conveyancers in Melbourne all the time, doing this stuff! And most of them don’t even know how to channel reiki. I admire that.

Phrenology isn’t quite as defunct as the masses believe. Prunes will open your third eye, and possibly a fourth if many are consumed. The luckiest number is infinity +1, because it beats everything.

A Premonition or a Pre Purchase Property Inspection?

This is, without a doubt, one of the biggest and busiest times in our life. My husband and I just bought a house and we are just so excited, but with excitement, as you know, comes nervousness. Extreme nervousness! What if something goes wrong? What if we can’t settle for some reason. I can sense something wrong about Greg’s psyche at the moment, and I’m not as gifted as you, Joanna, but I know something is wrong. I can feel it.

Of course, when I tell Greg something is going to go wrong he just laughs it off, but I’m trying to put my foot down about getting a building inspector. Melbourne has some of the most beautiful old houses in Australia, that is for certain, but I’m worried that there will be hidden nasties. What if everything is moldy underneath? What if (heaven forbid) we have termites? No, I will absolutely put my foot down, we must have a pre purchase property inspection before we settle. In Melbourne, pre purchase property inspections are a necessity!asbestos

Also, I must get the inspector to check that there isn’t an asbestos. I simply will not allow my children to move into a house with asbestos, it really does create an aura of death and disease which I must not stand for. But Greg, well, he was a tradesman for a while after he matriculated, and so he is adamant he can do everything himself. He simply doesn’t understand how I do tend to foresee these things! Ever the nonbeliever, my Greg. If he actually took the time to read your wonderful blog, Joanna, I just know he’d understand! But really, the building inspector is an absolute necessity. Unless you don’t think it is. Of course.

The road of caution is only right for the blind. Trust in yourself and your instincts but consider the consequences of your actions and the rippling effect of the future. Blue will give you strength, orange courage, but beware shades of violet, as this month they will bestow only sickness.

Fear of the Shoebox House

ShoeboxSometimes at night, I dream. I do not dream about the future, or things that happened in the past. No, my dreams are far more elaborate than that. I dream…that I’m buying a house. It is a wonderful moment, this fulfillment of the great Australian dream. My Melbourne property conveyancer stands nearby, applauding at both her own effort and mine, for this was a joint effort. I stand before my home, conveyancer somehow applauding whilst holding a large stack of papers that prove my ownership, and I enter the house.

But then, my dream takes a turn for something much worse. I step inside, and find that I’ve accidentally bought the home equivalent of a shoebox. I can barely fit a small dining chair through the door, after which I sit down and tuck my legs up to my chin since there’s only room for the chair. There are no windows, so once the door is closed, I’m all alone. I sit there for a while, wondering about perhaps adding some kind of extension. Then I realise that I have no kitchen or laundry facilities, and I wake up screaming.

I’ve tried to talk to my conveyancer about this, but they’ve assured me that housing dreams are common when someone is buying a home for the first time. They say that all property transfers in Melbourne are protected by law, and that I can’t buy a shoebox without my knowledge. But…what if I do? Maybe I’ll sleepwalk and ruin my chances forever!

Sometimes, we must find our spirit animal before we find ourselves. A black cat will knock a clover-shaped ladder onto your head. Your lucky number is 45 miles per hour.