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Monthly Archives: Sep 2015

Eloping and Boating

elopingI feel like the universe is telling me to elope. Weddings are stressful, in-laws even more so, and the universe has never really been wrong before. Just this morning, I had to ask if shredded wheat was a superior choice to porridge with golden syrup. Sure enough, as soon as I picked up the shredded wheat box, I found that it was empty. Porridge it was. Thanks, universe!

And I’ve always wanted to elope on a boat. Today some mail came through the door, and it was advertising a course on how to maintain boats in Melbourne, marine trailer repairs, how to scrape barnacles off your hull…and I’m thinking it was a sign. Perhaps the metaphor goes even deeper than showing me that I should be eloping on a boat. For example, the marine trailer repair could be hinting that I should repair my relationship with the in-laws before we elope. If we do that without making amends, we may never get another chance. And then there was something about anchor winches…so I should be trying to draw in this opportunity to take my husband in blissful matrimony, like a winch drawing in an anchor. It’s all just so simple!

What else? Well, there was the section on how to become a boat mechanic. A mechanic fixes things, and a boat is a thing that you use to travel across water. The message here has to be that we’ll soon be navigating the unruly seas of married life, and we need to take a mechanic’s attitude towards fixing problems as they come up. Our new life won’t be easy in Melbourne, a boat mechanic principles are what we need. Thanks, universe!

The cosmos has granted you wisdom. Don’t forget to pick up the cat food and balance your third and seventh chakras. Your lucky number is DATA NOT FOUND.

Novated lease has me questioning the bigger picture

Dear Joanna,

novated car leaseI currently find myself facing a great dilemma. The novated lease my Perth based company and I have agreed to is about to allow me to obtain another car. This, as you may already have guessed, is a wonderful thing. Thus the dilemma lies not in the acquisition of a new car, but rather in what type of car we are to acquire. You see, my husband and I have been trying, without success, to bring children into our lives. We had hoped to achieve this through natural means, yet it appears that this was not to be. We have decided not to consult anyone about this just yet, but continue trying. Although we have not talked about it at any great length, there is a possibility that we might try to conceive through science.

That is where this decision becomes more complex. At the moment, I own a two door little car, which I absolutely love to bits. The problem is, this is not a particularly baby-friendly car, and yet I don’t want to upgrade to a soccer-mum truck if there’s no real need. Thus the novated car lease renewal presents a real problem for me. In a way, it’s sort of the manifestation of a much larger and more pressing uncertainty that looms threateningly overhead. It’s not really a conversation I want to have with my husband before he’s ready, and yet that seems to be the way things are headed at the moment. I feel that I’m going to be forced to face the problem all because of a car! Please, Joanna, what do you feel I should do? Must I confront the situation with my husband, or can the car lease be resolved on its own?

Be confident in yourself as a woman and a human. Embrace every aspect of the change you see before yourself.-Joanne

My Tech-Savvy Brother

tech savvyThere are some problems that humans just cannot handle. That’s why we have to get mystic advice. Because where else are we going to get it? I’m so right. I’m ALWAYS right. Except, y’know…now.

Anyway, I’ve never been the most computer literate millennial, but now it’s coming back to bite me. I chose a career in administration, all good, doesn’t require an in-depth understanding of web design. Just a bit of Excel, maybe some other, spreadsheet-related stuff. And then what does my brother go and do? Some fancy software development course around Melbourne somewhere. And since my parents are even less tech-savvy than the average people from that generation, he’s basically become a bonafide super genius in their eyes. All he has to do is move the mouse across the screen in a slightly fancy manner and Mum and Dad are practically falling over themselves to praise his skills. They once rang him up to ask how to change to computer background, and they wouldn’t stop talking about it for weeks afterwards. I can do that stuff! I’ve even done a little bit of web design in my time, when our IT guy got stuck in traffic and some hacker defaced our website. Sure, I practically deleted all of our text, but it was better than the site being filled with naughty words. That’s basically web design. Designing our web…to not be filled with profanity.

But no, it’s brother dear who gets all the credit, because he’s actually involving himself with technology and computers and probably a software development course once his is done, because he’s just that smart. Mum and Dad treat me like I’m an amusing pet playing with a ball of wool. Maybe I should just go do an IT course, and then they’d treat me like an equal. Maybe.

The half-crescent full moon is dark in September. Point your life north-east-south for best results. Tea leaf reading may vary, see your GP for more details. – Joanna

Will my dreams come true?

IWill and Testament had a terrifying premonition last night. Now that might sound strange, but I’ve had premonitions before. Sometimes it’s just a really strong feeling about something, but often it’s more than that. Particularly recently, I’ve started having really vivid dreams that seem to have some relevance to the future. Now, that may sound rather run of the mill, but you should know that, for all of my life, I’ve never had a vivid dream. And these dreams become a reality. For example, I had a dream about a tabby cat, and then the next day my neighbour came in to tell me she’d just bought a tabby cat, and that I shouldn’t worry if I was it around the street. Anyway, last night, and for the few nights before it, I’ve been having this reoccurring dream where I die. It’s always extremely vivid, and I’ve begun to think that I, or someone around me, has limited time left on this mortal plane.

Now, I’m not particularly worried. I believe in fate, and things happening for a reason at the right time, but what it has forced me to think about was making a will, because, you see, I do not have one. In the event of my death, part of me would like to see the cards fall where the may, but I do worry this deterministic approach will leave my loved ones without direction. I know that losing myself will be a heavy blow for them to bear, and so if I can soften it in any way, I think that it is my duty to do so. They need to be able to feel their grief to the fullest, not have it undermined by legal woes. For example, I’m considering giving my solicitor power of attorney. I’m not exactly sure how that would work, but I feel that it is the right thing to do. However, I worry that thinking in this way sets the fates against myself. I’m not ready to pass on to the next life, but could making preparations lead to such a fate?


You can only be expected to act within the constraints of this earth. Escapism is for the birds and their brethren alone, solitude for the wolf. Jupiter’s orbit shall determine all that has yet to have come.

Can’t Read the Leaves!

leavesI keep up with my horoscope, read my own palm AND tea leaves, plus I have a degree in crystal ball reading. Still, the future of my finances remains clouded. How can this be? I could use my innate power to communicate with trees, but they don’t often have anything useful to say on the future. They’re more concerned with the present, y’know?

All I’d like to know is if my house offer will go through. What with Melbourne and their property transfer people helping me with the process you’d think it was a given. I’ve been to so many meetings, learned all about vendors statements, and that’s not even counting all the open houses I’ve visited. So many lovely homes, but I could only choose one. The dragon knucklebones I consulted lead me to a lovely little two-bedroom house in the North, complete with patio and gravel driveway. The feng-shui in the place was very much on point, so I thought it was perfect. Transfer that property at once! But it’s a hot property, and they’ve had other offers. I know that’s how the game works, and I’m not the only person in Melbourne looking for a house, but it’s the uncertainty that really gets me. Usually I can just peek in the crystal ball and make contingency plans, but it’s not working right now. I’m not used to NOT knowing, which I’m sure is something you can understand. It’s so nice going through life and being able to just read a person’s aura to see if you’re going to be friends, or seeing if your property transfer is going through simply be channeling reiki into one of my special qi bowls. Why do things have to be so clouded? Maybe it’s just always this way with housing. It’s a dynamic market, things change all the time…and people work as property conveyancers in Melbourne all the time, doing this stuff! And most of them don’t even know how to channel reiki. I admire that.

Phrenology isn’t quite as defunct as the masses believe. Prunes will open your third eye, and possibly a fourth if many are consumed. The luckiest number is infinity +1, because it beats everything.

Air conditioning for sensitive cats

air conditioning MelbourneI didn’t know what to do. I had only just got here and I had already broken the air conditioner. How could this have happened? Surely it had to be a joke. My best friend Julie had asked me to house sit for her while her boyfriend Jimmy and her took a two week trip interstate. They had two very clingy cats that I was taking care of while they lived it up in the sunshine state.  They had not been on a holiday in a long time and after recently accepting a promotion, Jimmy wanted to treat his girlfriend to a getaway some place warm. I told them both I was happy to house sit for them and was actually excited about it. I love cats and was more than happy to spend a week with their two fluffy babies. They had a big beautiful house and I always enjoyed myself there. My apartment is tiny in comparison, it’s nice to have room to move. They had a lap pool in their backyard and a home gym set up, I was determined to get some exercise in while I had full access to their equipment. I owed it to myself to get back into shape. I could see their garden was in serious need of some work so I planned to get my hands dirty while I stayed. As an anniversary gift to my dear friend I had purchased a silver birch and a few ornamental trees to plant in their yard.

Their honeymoon was in Japan, so I thought it would be sweet to give them a japanese maple tree. I knew that it wouldn’t require a lot of maintenance and would look fantastic in a few years. I had hoped that would be a little cooler than forecast to plant these trees. It was nearing the end of the day and the temperature was not dropping. The house became way too warm for the cats so I switched on the air conditioner. I went to jump in the shower to cool down. I was expecting the house to nice and cold when I got out. After my shower, I was horrified to discover the air conditioner wasn’t working. Once I’d dried myself off and gotten into some warm clothes, I picked up the phone and called the number on the fridge for air conditioning repairs. Melbourne had been experiencing unseasonably hot weather, the air con had been overworked. Thankfully the business card was stuck on the fridge, so I assumed it was who Julie and Jimmy got their air con serviced through. The guy who answered the call at Melbourne air conditioning service company was more than happy to help me out. I asked the man if he could book me in for an urgent air conditioner fix because the cats are very sensitive. I was relieved that the air con was going to be fixed but stressed out about how the cats were going to deal with the heat. They seem fine but the last thing I need is two overheated cats trying to escape.

Cats are very resilient, keep an eye on them in the next few days. Your lucky star shines bright.

Amaryllis or Hippeastrums?

AmaryllisI am completely torn. I have no idea what to do, and either of my decisions will have long term effects that I know I just won’t be able to escape from. What’s making things worse is that no one, not one single person, seems to appreciate the enormity of my decision. To give you some context, my late husband was the gardener at the Royal Gardens. His pride in his gardens was immense, and was a love that we both shared. However, at home, whenever we did the landscaping, he was always the one to pick the plants we used. And now, as I live on my own, I have downgraded to a smaller house. My son is pressuring me into choosing the plants and I’m convinced about every decision – every decision, that is, except this. Do I use Amaryllis or Hippeastrums?

I’m not really sure what the difference is between the two types of plants, but I do know that they are both exceptionally pretty and that I would love to have either in my garden. The problem with being a widow, even one as independent as myself, is that with these sorts of silly choices, there is no one else who can make them for you. I am not a silly woman, I know that, in the end, it won’t really matter, but I don’t want to make the wrong choice. The choice is, essentially, so inconsequential that it doesn’t matter at all, and because of that, is impossible to make. Both the amaryllis and the hippeastrums look so beautiful and perfect. Either would be wonderful. Both fill me with joy, but would that joy last through the months? Over the years? Which one is likely to stay with me forever?

White is forever as is black. Bold and pastel colours will guide you through this solar cycle. Be careful not to integrate Sagittarius and Aries into your life this month, as their negative energy will affect your decision making capabilities

A Conflict of Trees

tree wndowIf ever I was in need of mystic advice, it would be now. I was raised as a proud nature lover, and we bore the name ‘hippy’ with pride. It meant that we were hip, probably, but we also were totally up with the dealings of nature and all that. Our family was a little bit more in tune with the big Mother Nature than the rest of the hippy families, in fact.

I might have drifted a bit in my adult years, but I still fight for what’s…right, y’know? Like those tree felling places in Melbourne that up until recently I thought were killing the planet. Sometimes I’d make a picket, not out of wood because that’s evil, and just go and protest their actions. I was all alone, but it didn’t matter to me. I was ending a menace. I was in a menace-ending mood.

Then everything changed. I started working in an office, and I realised how important paper was. We’d always just scribbled on bits of bark at home, but that just wouldn’t cut it in this high-flying corporate world. What’s more, we had a prolonged incident involving a tree that kept banging against the window. Trimming didn’t help, as it grew back very quickly, and it was very tough and dangerous to get to. The noise made it so hard to concentrate…so the very Melbourne tree lopping people I thought I hated came and took this awful distraction away.

Now I don’t know what to think. Are trees truly our friends? If they’re endangered, why are there so many around? I’m left with questions that my upbringing simply cannot answer.

Know your limits: a chamomile tea each day can help digestion, but more than two will cause conflict with your tastebuds. The loneliest number is the number one, with the sole exception of 10 because it’s such an empty friendship- Joanne

Pool fence plus?

I’m part way through my fabulous renovations, and I feel like one of those contents from The Block or whatever that show is called, expect I have way better hair. Anyway, everything is going absolutely wonderfully. The garden looks like a bomb hit it hard and there’s not a shred of greenery to be seen anywhere, which is just how I wanted it. Why would I want that, you ask? Because I am getting a pool, that is why. But strangely enough the reno isn’t just glitz and glam, but also some pretty nitty gritty decisions. For example, I have no idea what I’m doing with the pool fencing. Melbourne gets super hot over the summer, so having a pool was a must. But what do I do about the fence?

Getting just one of those super duper child friendly plastic contraptions was totally out of the question. I mean, my backyard paradise does not need to be a child friendlPool fencey zone, I don’t even know anyone with kids! But there are a ton of safety regulations around getting a pool, and one of them is that the fence has to be ‘up to code’ or whatever. So here’s my solution. Instead of getting a plastic Jungle Jim, I’m thinking I’m going to have to go with a glass pool fence. Trendy Melbourne like yours truly need to keep up a certain level of style, and having a glass fence is super chic.

I was also wondering whether I could be bothered building a floating bar into the pool, but I feel like that was taking it a bit too far. I mean, the whole bar-in-the-pool thing is good fun overseas, but having it at home would get old fast. The thing is, I want to do something to really polish off the whole look. Is there anything you can recommend?

The art of feng shui has been handed down through the generations for a reason. Being spiritually connected to your surroundings maximises happiness.